Rebellious Thoughts #52 - 🤘 No BS Secrets to Successful Relationships

Hey Rebels!

As always, I promise to provoke you in less than 5 min once a week so that you can stay adaptable and on top of your game.

YEW!

Let’s get into today’s (or check all the previous ones):

Lately, my pretty wife and I have been sharing lots of thoughts on what makes a relationship work.

Our kids have started their boyfriend/girlfriend journey and it’s a regular topic of conversation in our home.

I like to think this applies to any relationship: marriage, business partnerships, working relationships, friendships… your kids… even team building!

Let’s go in no particular order and of course, it is not exhaustive and just a provocation so use it and add yours to it!

SPONTANEOUS CARE

You may have heard me say before that the challenge with caring alone is that eventually it becomes invisible.

Routine care disappears, and despite the huge effort to care for each other it’s not noticed because it’s regular and expected.

Care, to be noticed, needs to be spontaneous enough.

Spontaneously care for yourself, for each other, for the kids, for family, friends, the business, the work you do and it will be noticed and be more impactful.

A warning on spontaneity! 
This is a bit meta I reckon… at the beginning, when a relationship/partnership is in its honeymoon period, spontaneity is effortless, almost everything is surprising and new and inevitably spontaneous.
As the years go by you actually need to work on it, plan it, think about it…. and at that very moment, it doesn’t feel spontaneous any more.
It’s kinda contradicting: “plan to be spontaneous” hahaha… but… but… the longer the relationship goes, the more effort you need to put into surprising yourself and each other.
Don’t worry, at the beginning it feels a little weird to plan to be spontaneous, but the result of the effort pays the same dividends.
Just be a little random so it is not regular as I explained above!

PLAYFULNESS

I guess this is where you must insert some novelty and fun - at least enough so that life does not become monotonous.

Allow once a week or at least once a month a bit of playtime or even play dates!

Do things together that are not related to the business of being together!

Sometimes it feels un-natural or forced so don’t try hard to be playful, just play.

Don’t try to laugh, have fun instead.

50% WRONG

This one took a while to get right but it’s important.

Remember you are only half of the story.

Therefore to start every sentence in which you are offering each other an opinion or feedback, it’s important to say: “I think” “perhaps” “maybe” - inevitably you have to accept that you are half right and half wrong!

It leaves space for the other person to come in and add their half of the story.

Remember, bias is sooo biased that you don’t even realise you are being biased… so just accepting you are wrong half the time is a pretty good guess and a much better start!

FEELING AND BEHAVING

Now of course you are never wrong about how you feel!

You can and will feel whatever you feel because your limbic system just does what you’ve been programmed to do.

So you can feel whatever you want but you can’t behave however you want.

So what you are half wrong about is on how you behaved, not how you felt!

Leadership is helping those around you separate feelings and behaviours so they can collaborate and achieve more than they can individually.

Parenting is helping your kids discern between feelings and behaviours!
“I know that kid took your toy but you can’t scream and hurt them to get it back” :-)

COMMON GOALS

This one seems simple but it’s not.

You need to own your individual goals, otherwise, you become too co-dependent and all of a sudden you stop being you AND you need common goals.

Common goals are those things you want to achieve and you need both to be able to do it or it’s better together.

Regularly talk about goals so you can make them common to each other.

Short-term ones, long-term ones, individual ones, vague ones and shaper-specific ones - all of them!

JOY

You must have genuine joy and pride for the other person’s achievements and growth.

Every time they learn a new skill, muster the courage to tackle discomfort or simply fail and recover you must tell them you are proud.

They have to feel and see and hear your joy!

Learning to find reward through other’s achievements and being able to celebrate them is critical.

SAFELY LISTENED TO

Knowing you can express yourself freely and safely, with mutual understanding that whatever you say, good bad or ugly, will be received and discussed openly is foundational to good communication… and of course on communication…

COMMUNICATION

Communication mostly is non-verbal, so pay attention to the stuff you don’t say but still say.

You are responsible for both.

Remember that in the absence of information, humans are really good at making shit up… we start boxing shadows and imagining mostly negative scenarios.

So say lots and pay attention to what you don’t say too!

ORDER AND DISORDER

You have heard me talk about this before.

Generally speaking in each relationship there is a dance of order and disorder.

One partner takes the majority of the time the role of order and the other the role of disorder.

It doesn’t mean that you exclusively do one or the other, but generally speaking, there’s a pattern.

These two ends tend to always be at odds with each other cos you have different approaches and reasoning for your actions.

Be careful, remember that to achieve your goals together you need both in good measure, healthy tension and balance is what delivers the results.

CONSCIOUS LOVE V. AUTOMATIC LOVE

Finally, remember that your brain is really good at automating, anything, it’s fucking dangerous how well it does it.

You let your brain go rogue and not only it automates driving, breathing and walking but also LOVE.

Automatic love sucks and it’s dangerous.

Consciously LOVE, lots.

Okay, these are some of ours! Now add yours to it!

This week to bring some playfulness and joy, try out this challenge:

Check out ours:

I asked my pretty wife to draw me a T-Rex that ate a cup cake….

I am in love with his feet and hands… and crazy dinosaur spine!!!!

Hahaha we laughed a lot.

Send me yours!!!! (the best drawing might win something!)

Love

Gus

P.S. Wonder what I even do in “real life”?

1/ Co-founder and Director at Neu21.
We combine creativity, innovation and insight to create unstoppable organisations and products customers love. Book a Discovery call to learn how we can help your organisation

2/ I coach high-performing professionals and execs and help them take it to the next level. Book a 1-1 Coaching session with Gus

3/ Join our Career Shake Up Waiting List!
A program to bring a thoughtful revolution to your career and your life.

4/ This month I kicked off the first of the Rebellious Thought Sessions, a series of FREE monthly talks where I  free flow, provoke and share more of my ideas. If you haven’t signed up yet and want to be part of it SIGN UP HERE! 

Hey, did I tell you that I play in a band?! And we are playing soon!!

Come and see The Essential Workers - woooo!  
(you have no idea how funny the faces I pull when I play the drums 😂)

All money raised will go to men’s mental health!

MADE IT THIS FAR?! YOU CAN GIVE ME FEEDBACK WITH ONLY 1 CLICK:

OR… HIT REPLY and share your thoughts on what you want to have more in this Newsletter!